Posts Tagged ‘Reviews’

Mommy Has Her Day & San Diego Looms

Tuesday, July 8th, 2025

It’s nice, even rewarding, to see the two Mommy movies we made here in Muscatine, Iowa, back in 1994, get renewed attention. Mommy’s Day came out in 1996, so we’re coming up on its 25h anniversary. Mommy celebrated her 25th anniversary last year.

What prompts me to discuss this is a nice review by Tony Baranek of Mommy (and another by Henry Kujawa of Mommy’s Day that just popped up. Tony’s Facebook page is dedicated to Sci-Fi and Horror Movie Playground: 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and Beyond.

Here’s Tony’s review:

Mommy (1995) – Do you remember that 1950s movie, The Bad Seed, where Patty McCormack played the psychopathic killer kid? Man, she was nasty.

I mean, when Rhoda Penmark was electrocuted by the lightning bolt at the end, I cheered.

(NOTE FROM M.A.C.: Rhoda lives in the original William March novel and in the Maxwell Anderson play from March’s book.)

But I’ll tell you what. Rhoda Penmark is a sweetheart compared to Mrs. Sterling, a psychopathic killer mom.

Yes, indeed. Patty McCormack is all grown up – and she’s scarier than ever!

This horror thriller is about a 12-year-old girl named Jessica Ann (Rachel Lemieux), whose overbearing mom goes off the deep end when she didn’t win Student of the Year award for the third straight time.

Just for acting like a spoiled and entitled mom, Mrs. Sterling is an embarrassment to the human race. But she doubles down on her ugliness because she claims that the boy who won it only did so because he’s Mexican. Yep, she’s entitled – and racist, too.

Mrs. Sterling confronts the teacher while she’s decorating her classroom. She demands that she change her decision on the award before it gets presented. The teacher sternly says no.

Moments later, crazy Mrs. Sterling pulls the teacher off of a ladder she is standing on, and she suffers a fatal injury. She tells the police, though, that the teacher was already dead when she arrived at the classroom.

Unfortunately for Mrs. Sterling, a persistent investigator named Lt. March (Jason Miller), has his doubts. And as the walls begin to close in on Mrs. Sterling, bad things happen to those who cross her.

This is a really well-done film. Max Allan Collins, in his directing debut, added a nice touch to the story by having Jessica Ann narrate the events as they happened. Rachel Lemieux, 11 years old at the time and in her acting debut, did a fantastic job portraying Jessica Ann. As an added bonus, scream queen Brinke Stevens is ultra-likeable as Mrs. Sterling’s caring sister.

As for Patty McCormack as Mrs. Sterling…man, oh man. Being a killer made her scary enough, but she was an absolute nightmare mom. Her declarations of love for her daughter – but only if she does exactly what mommy tells her to – are incredibly unnerving.

Grade: 4.5 out of 5 stars.

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A mini-review from Henry Kujawa of the sequel, Mommy’s Day, appeared almost simultaneously.

Here’s what Henry had to say.

After all these years, I still haven’t seen The Bad Seed.

However, the other year, I got Mommy and Mommy’s Day on DVD. I think I “liked” the first one less the 2nd time I saw it (decades after I first saw it). But I was shocked as JUST HOW MUCH I loved the sequel.

I kept wondering… “HOW THE HELL is this even gonna work?” Then I started watching…STILL wondering…and then…

OH man. Maybe 15 minutes in, I was HOOKED. I think I had a huge smile on my face all the way thru to the end. It still makes me smile, even laugh, just thinking about it.

If only more “2nd” films managed to be that good.

* * *

If you haven’t seen either Mommy before, you can get it at Amazon for a good price. It comes with Mommy’s Day and lots of special features.

Incidentally, Paula Sands – who is Vivian Borne in Death by Fruitcake – appears in a major secondary role in Mommy’s Day.

Interesting, the sequel to last year’s horror hit Megan – which seemed to have some Bad Seed/Mommy echoes – looks to have followed the Mommy’s Day model with its sequel, Megan 2.0. I have not seen the sequel but eventually will. The complaint is that Megan is turned into a hero(ine) in the second film.

Doing a sequel, particularly to a horror film (and Mommy is that, at least marginally), provides two options – repeat the first movie or do something different. While audiences like the familiarity of a sequel that merely goes through the first film’s paces, doing something different (or the same-but-different) is far more appealing to a filmmaker (or author, for that matter). And smart audience members.

The current Jurassic World: Rebirth is a good example of just repeating what’s gone before and hoping audiences just go along for the ride. On opening weekend, filmmgoers seemed to – it did very well at the box office.

But it’s a fairly terrible movie. Predictable and with bone-headed characters who do dumb, dumb things. It starts with the premise that everybody is bored with dinosaurs by now – an idiotic premise, and anyway, in this movie it’s the characters we’re bored with (stock figures) and the dinosaurs that make it marginally watchable. It has about 17 minutes of terrific dinosaur footage, but even they are a disappointment, because they only devour the cannon-fodder characters and of course (SPOILER ALERT but not really) the evil corporate bad guy.

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Here’s a nice advance look at the 4K Blu-ray of The Two Jakes, which features a commentary by me and my pal Heath Holland. The commentary gives me the opportunity to defend this much maligned sequel (actually coda) to Chinatown with Jack Nicholson back as Jake Gittes.

Here’s where you can see Road to Perdition free.

And, yes, yet again an article about movies you didn’t know derived from “comic books” has reared its head. I prefer “graphic novel,” when it comes to Road to Perdition. Plus, these endless write-ups on the subject of movies-from-comics is a bit wearying.

On the other hand, I’m grateful for the attention.

* * *

I am still doing a segment on Robert Meyer Burnett’s weekly YouTube show, Let’s Get Physical Media. This week I discuss, among other things, the terrific movie Sinners, which I am pleased to say seems heavily influenced by Road to Perdition (more the movie than the book). And, yes, I am aware there are no vampires in Road to Perdition. An oversight on my part.

If you go the San Diego Comic Con, Rob Burnett will be interviewing me:

FRIDAY
“Spotlight on Max Allan Collins”
4:00 – 5:00
Room 28DE

This will be a career interview (all Special Guests get those). Not sure yet when my autograph sessions will be, but I will be promoting the new Johnny Dynamite collection, with a banger of a new Terry Beatty cover. The book is expected to be on sale at the con, though the timing is tight – stay tuned. It’s one of the Collins/Beatty team’s best, I think.

There are no vampires in Johnny Dynamite, but there are plenty of zombies.

By the way, this is almost certainly my last comic convention appearance, at San Diego or anywhere. I will do some occasional appearances at film festivals, promoting Death By Fruitcake and other indie endeavors of mine.

M.A.C.

Fruitcake at the Last Picture House, Plus Nate Heller

Tuesday, May 13th, 2025

We had a terrific Quad Cities premiere for our film Death By Fruitcake, starring Paula Sands, Alisabeth Von Presley and Rob Merritt. It was a packed house at Davenport’s stellar The Last Picture House, the theater that’s the brainchild of our bigtime local filmmakers Scott Beck and Bryan Woods (who brought you A Quiet Place, Heretic and more).

We had a number of cast and crew members on hand, including Paula and Rob, and I led (with producer/d.p./editor) Chad Bishop a Q and A after. I took a spill off the riser onto my back but (with help) got onto my feet to helm the Q and A. Definitely a “show-must-go-on” moment, because I am still (it’s Sunday as I write this) recuperating from my own impromptu stunt-man feat.

Despite this, it was a wonderful evening, thanks to Last Picture House manager Jameson Ritter. Our two Muscatine screenings late last year were marred by sound problems (far too soft, something we weren’t able to rectify on site), but we were nicely loud and pretty impressive on the big screen. For a little movie designed to find a home (or homes) on a streaming service(s), this kind of theatrical exhibition was a rare treat for us (and, I think, the audience).

We promoted the event with an appearance on Quad Cities Live, the afternoon show that followed Paula Sands Live on her retirement from broadcasting. It was fun seeing Paula return to the site of her huge regional success. And what a Vivian Borne she makes! Alisabeth Von Presley, our equally impressive Brandy Borne, couldn’t make it to the event (she was choreographer on a high school production in Cedar Rapids that evening). But what a thrill for Barb and me to see our Barbara Allan/Antiques characters come to such wonderful comic life.

Max Allan Collins and Paula Sands on Quad Cities Live
L to R: Kyle Keil (host), Morgan Ottier (host), M.A.C., Paula Sands

Whither Death by Fruitcake? We are talking to various distributors now. I fully expect us to be streaming for this year’s holiday season. Getting on physical media is a trickier proposition as that market has just about vanished except for blockbuster films and the boutique labels, which specialize in horror and cult items, where we don’t fit. That doesn’t mean I won’t try.

If you want to help us in our filmmaking efforts, take a look at Blue Christmas on Tubi right now. Don’t wait for an invitation from Santa.

photos courtesy of The Last Picture House
Rob Merritt, M.A.C., Tommy Ratkiewicz-Stierwalt at The Last Picture House for Death by Fruitcake
L to r: Rob Merritt, M.A.C., Tommy Ratkiewicz-Stierwalt
Tommy Ratkiewicz-Stierwalt and Paula Sands at The Last Picture House for Death by Fruitcake
Tommy Ratkiewicz-Stierwalt and Paula Sands
Q and A post-QC premiere at the Last Picture House
Q and A post-QC premiere at the Last Picture House. L to R: Tracy Peltzer-Timm, Chris Causey, Tommy Ratkiewicz-Stierwalt, Cassidy Ptacek, Rob Merritt, M.A.C., Paula Sands, Chad Bishop
L to R: Paula Sands, Chris Causey, Rob Merritt, Barbara Collins, M.A.C., Chad Bishop at The Last Picture House for Death by Fruitcake
L to R: Paula Sands, Chris Causey, Rob Merritt, Barbara Collins, M.A.C., Chad Bishop

L to r: Tommy Ratkiewicz-Stierwalt, Rob Merritt, Tracy Peltzer-Timm, M.A.C., Lucy Collins, Nathan Collins, Abby Collins, Sam Collins

This link will take you to Paula Sands and me appearing on Quad Cities Live, the show that took the place of her Paula Sands Live, from which she retired after decades of Emmy-winning broadcasting. For longtime fans of my work, you should recall Paula’s wonderful appearance, spoofing herself and her show, in Mommy’s Day (1997).

* * *

Here’s an unexpected but welcome review of my 1983 novel, True Detective, which introduced Nathan Heller and my format of weaving a detective story in with actual events/crimes.

It’s interesting to me that a review of a novel I wrote in 1981 and was published in 1983 would appear in 2024 (!).

Two things should be noted, however: the reviewer uses True Detective to recommend the entire series; and it’s appearing just as True Noir: The Assassination of Anton Cermak is getting some nice notice, which may have sparked this review.

True Noir is, as those of you who drop by here regularly know, a ten-episode audio drama with a full cast, sound effects, and score. I consider it the best adaptation of my work done to date (but then why wouldn’t I, having written all ten episodes myself). The cast is incredibly stellar, and our Nathan Heller – Michael Rosenbaum – just effing nails it. The score by Alexander Bornstein is mesmerizingly terrific, and the whole thing has been expertly directed and edited by Robert Meyer Burnett.

You may know Rob from his several YouTube shows (Robservations, Let’s Get Physical Media, regular guest on The John Campea Show), but he is much more than that – an accomplished film director (Free Enterprise), documentarian (Star Trek; The Next Generation), editor (Femme Fatales) and producer (Tango Shalom, aka Forbidden Tango).

All ten episodes of True Noir: The Assassination of Anton Cermak are available at truenoir.co, $29.95 for the complete audio drama – four-and-a-half-hours worth. If you are a member of the Nathan Heller Fan Club (well, there isn’t one, but you know what I mean), you will lose your non-membership in good standing if you haven’t ordered yet.

And I would welcome comments/reviews here from those of you who have enjoyed it thus far.

We will be available on other platforms eventually, but for now it’s truenoir.co. And there’s stuff to look at there, including links to episodes of my History Behind the Mystery video series (directed by my longtime collaborator, Phil Dingeldein) that looks at the real events depicted in each episode.

M.A.C.

The Noir Musical, A Fairy Godfather With a Cigar and More

Tuesday, March 25th, 2025

My last several Update/blogs have been to promote this and that of mine. Plus, I was deep in the writing of a screenplay and couldn’t come up for much air. You deserve better.

On my plate this week, among other things, is doing a commentary track with Heath Holland of Cereal at Midnight for the 1932 western, Law and Order, from a W.R. Burnett novel about Wyatt Earp. I’m also doing a podcast with my old buddy Matthew Clemens, and have several business calls on Zoom.

So there will likely be some follow-up on some or all of that here next week. What now, then? Well, the questions I continue to be asked most often are (a) what have you read lately, and (b) what have you seen?

As for what I’ve read, the two most current books are:

Barnaby Volume 5

Barnaby Volume 5 () from Fantagraphics, the final volume of the complete daily strips of this classic, too little-known comic strip, which (with Dick Tracy, Li’l Abner and Terry and The Pirates) is among my top favorites. Written and drawn (sometimes with Jack Morley’s help on art) by the great children’s book author, Crockett Johnson (Harold and the Purple Crayon), Barnaby is a deceptively simple strip of the ‘40s and early ‘50s that details the whimsical adventures of a five-year-old boy (Barnaby) and his Fairy Godfather (Mr. O’Malley). O’Malley is just as short as the child Barnaby and is a pleasantly pompous little pixie who looks like a middle-aged man with a fedora and, of course, pink wings.

Barbaby’s parents are distressed by their little boy’s insistence that his Fairy Godfather is real. A lot of the gentle humor comes from the reality of Barnaby’s opinion on this matter being true. Mr. O’Malley frequently almost meets one or both parents, and that becomes the chief running gag of the strip. The other is Mr. O’Malley’s cheerful incompetence, his magic wand (a cigar) frequently accomplishing nothing at all.

O’Malley’s friends and associates are fellow pixies and supernatural types, like Gus the Ghost, who wears glasses and is easily spooked; Atlas the Mental Giant (also no taller than Barnaby), McSnoyd the Invisible Leprechaun (who speaks in a Brooklyn accent); Barnbaby’s talking dog Gorgon (who never speaks around Barnaby’s parents); and many more. Johnson’s “clear line cartooning” is the most deceptively simple aspect of all: oddly elegant, beautifully understated, and unmistakably Crockett.

In this final volume, Barnaby turns six and must say farewell to Mr. O’Malley. It’s a sad moment, bittersweet but just another day in the life of a Fairy Godfather, who is definitely not imaginary and as real as anybody in the comic strip canon.

Round in Circles: The Story of Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Carousel

Round in Circles: The Story of Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Carousel () by Barry Kester takes an in-depth look at one of the greatest musicals ever written, and in my view (and that of many) the finest work by Rodgers (music) and Hammerstein (book and lyrics). From the 1901 play Liliom by Ferenc Molnar, fairly faithful but with a much less dark conclusion, Carousel focuses on the sudden romance between a carnival barker and a young mill worker lass; the latter’s friends in a New England fishing community provide a backdrop and counterpoint.

It’s most overtly noir musical I can think of, with its emphasis on crime and its tortured central lovers. Modern audiences – or at least those mounting this great work of art for those audiences – have problems with the thematic content of the play. Billy Bigelow is a roustabout roughneck who has, at least on one occasion, “hit” (probably slapped) his gentle wife, who puts up with her husband’s jobless state and foul temper. In modern terms, this is viewed as an abusive relationship, and Round in Circles explores that subject thoroughly and well. Author Kester makes the point that the year the play was produced (1945) was toward the end of the Second World War, when men were starting to return from combat in a traumatized state and sometimes had difficulty into getting back into a peacetime grove. Some brought violence home with them. This is probably why audiences of the day had little if any problem with the overstated “wife-beating” aspect of the narrative.

Today, people are liable to read in contemporary values and beliefs, and somehow ignore the tragic aspects of the story, growing from flaws in both characters, the volatile Billy and the passive Julie. But Oscar Hammerstein knew what he needed to do with this tragedy. In both Liliom and Carousel, the roughneck gets a chance to redeem himself by getting another day – a single day – back on earth. Liliom is the story of man who blows his chance to redeem himself; Carousel is about a man who does, ultimately, in the nick of time redeem himself.

The film version is often dismissed, but it has rewards; and the play itself appears to be a major influence on It’s A Wonderful Life with its angelic conceits.

Additionally, the play has some of the most beautiful words and music ever written for the musical stage – from “The Carousel Waltz” to “If I Loved You” and finally “You’ll Never Walk Alone,” few scores rival it.

Carousel has a particular resonance for me. My father, in the early 1950s, when he was a high school music teacher, mounted the first high school production of Carousel. I was very young but I was spellbound – my father had a working carousel on stage for the opening of the show! Amazing. What a showman my pop was – imagine getting a wonderful performance in a play this difficult from a bunch of high school kids in the early fifties. And as I witnessed my dad’s hometown triumph, those beautiful songs crept into my brain and made a permanent home there.

If you are interested in musical theater at all, Carousel is the ultimate noir musical, and Barry Kester’s Round in Circles does it justice.

Here’s what Barb and I (and sometimes Nate) have been watching (some of these remarks will be brief):

Black Bag – a solid, well-acted espionage tale in the John Le Carre vein, starring Cate Blanchett and Michael Fassbender, directed by Steven Soderbergh and written by David Koepp. This we saw at a theater.

Zero Day – a good but not great six-part mini-series starring Robert De Niro as a former president recruited from retirement to head up a commission into a devastating cyber- attack. Netflix.

Reacher Season 3 – a meat-and-potatoes series with a fine central performance by Alan Ritchson. The weakest of the three seasons so far, and at times painfully predictable and occasionally plot-hole-riddled, it’s nonetheless a fun watch. Amazon Prime.

Paradise – somewhat overrated but with a brilliant seventh (of eight) episodes. I just wish every character wouldn’t have a monologue about their back story delivered to some other character. I am interested to see where they go next, because the series seems to have painted itself into a corner. Hulu.

Adolescence – a four-episode limited British series that is one of the best things I’ve seen in years. Be forewarned: it’s harrowing, not so much for on-screen violence (which is limited) but for emotional impact. A young teen is accused of murder and we follow from the procedural end through the impact on the parents. Remarkable in approach, every episode is shot in a single unbroken take; how this was accomplished required a degree of difficulty I can barely imagine. The third episode, the least flashy in filmmaking terms, is a masterpiece thanks to the performances of Erin Doherty as psychologist Briony Ariston and Owen Cooper as young accused murderer Jamie meeting at a youth detention facility to prepare a pre-trial report on his mental health. Netflix.

The Thief of Bagdad – This 1924 film starring Douglas Fairbanks is one of the greatest fantasy films of all time. Barb loves silent movies and this one is terrific, with a wonderful orchestral score. The effects are mind-boggling. Eureka! Home Video.

Mission: ImpossibleDead Reckoning Part One – We decided to revist this before Part Two (no longer labelled that way) comes out. Underrated on its release, with an A-1 “bad guy” that seems more current now than when the film came out, this entry in the long-running series is a succession of over-the-top (in a good way) action sequences, often hilarious in their shameless excess. Paramount Home Video.

The Golden Buddha – From the boxed set Super Spies and Secret Lies, this is an Asian James Bond-era knock-off with eye-popping art direction and an amusing storyline anticipating Austin Powers. My son Nate and I watch one or two Asian movies every week, seldom artistic masterpieces but great fun. Eureka! Home video.

The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie – We went with the (nearly) entire family to this one at the local theater, and it’s a blast – traditional animation that seemed more Ren & Stimpy than Warner Bros, but I was fine with that. Word is this was dumped by Warner’s (as was a Road Runner/Wile E. Coyote movie) and that’s a disgrace. Very funny.

Okay that’s what I’ve been reading and watching. It’s an eclectic bunch of stuff, but that’s how we roll around here. I don’t read as much fiction as I once did – particularly not mysteries – but I take in a lot of physical media and streaming shows/movies. It’s how I relax and put fuel in the boiler.

There’s a lot to dislike on TV and on the movie screen these days, but plenty’s still out there to enjoy.

* * *

This very nice, smart review popped up this week at Do Some Damage – it’s detailed and (to me) gratifying. I happen to think the two Krista Larsen books are top-notch Collins, but I got a lot of heat from some reviewers (mostly in the UK) and, frankly, from my Thomas & Mercer editor. The big complaint was too much clothing description, something that goes unremarked upon in this extended lovely review. I had hoped to do at least a third Krista novel, but Thomas & Mercer wasn’t interested. It is, admittedly, the only book of mine there that hasn’t “earned out” yet; but in my defense they’ve given that title zero support.

If you haven’t read Girl Most Likely, check out this review.

This is a very good article on Road to Perdition as a comic book movie that is also a masterpiece. Oddly, neither I nor Richard Piers Rayner are mentioned. But it’s nice,
just the same.

* * *

We have been getting complaints from a handful of you fine folks that the link to this page from Facebook listings doesn’t always work. We (that is, son Nate) are (is) looking into it.

For those of you who can get here, we will have a book giveaway next week.

True Noir Poster

In the meantime, True Noir: The Assassination of Mayor Cermak is winding down – the last couple of the ten episodes will drop any moment now. Director Robert Meyer Burnett continues to do a great job.

If you order now, at least the first eight of ten episodes are available. Episode eight is, as Rob would say, “a banger.”

And this just in!

M.A.C.

Video Interviews and Ruminations of AI Replacing Me

Tuesday, February 11th, 2025

Blue Christmas will be available on Tubi (free, but probably with commercials) starting March 10. I realize it’s not the Christmas season right now, but March is my birthday month, so help celebrate by watching our little mostly-well-reviewed “chamber piece” on Tubi.

* * *

This week is a hodgepodge of videos, starting with (in my biased opinion) a particularly good interview by Andrew Sumner of Titan Books with yrs truly, talking about the forthcoming final Mike Hammer novel (Baby, It’s Murder), the new Ms. Tree archival edition (the final of six), my Sam Spade sequel The Return of the Maltese Falcon (due out Jan. 2026), and much more.

Here is the great Michael Rosenbaum (Nathan Heller in True Noir) seeing the promo poster of our immersive ten-part adapation of True Detective for the first time.

For the heartiest souls among you – or those desperate to fill the empty hours – here is my three-hour-plus (!) appearance on Rob Burnett’s (and Dieter Bastion’s) Let’s Get Physical Media. I am prettier (marginally) in real life.

* * *

Here, from stalwart reviewer (and fiction writer) Ron Fortier is a review of the latest Quarry novel.

QUARRY’S RETURN
By Max Allan Collins
Hard Case Crime
213 pgs

One has to wonder at the twists and turns of fate when a writer of the baby-boomer generation (post World War II for you youngsters) is still writing about a hired gun well into his seventies. That’s Quarry, one of three series Collins whipped up a long…long…long time ago. That it is still around, never mind getting better like aged bourbon, is no small literary feat. Our best guess as to why; two things. One, Collins is such a damn good writer and two, his loyal readers know it and aren’t going anywhere.

In his last novel featuring his Quarry tale, Collins introduced his Vietnam veteran protagonist to the adult daughter he’d never known. After an awkward start, filial emotions rose to the surface when they were forced to save each other’s lives from some very bad people. In this follow up tale, Quarry learns Susan, his crime-writer daughter, has disappeared while doing research on a serial killer. This he learns from an old lover-colleague, a beautiful Japanese gal named Lu; his equal in death-dealing. The two of them make Bonnie and Clyde look like Hansel and Gretel.

It becomes obvious that Susan has run afoul of the very fiend behind the so-called Cheerleader Murders she is investigating. Unless Quarry and Lu can find her quickly, Susan will become the killer’s fourth victim. Collins weaves a fast-paced tale as his wonderfully mature couple question and shoot their way through a twisted puzzle, each well aware that the stamina and zeal of their youth exist only in melancholy backward glances.

Quarry’s Return continues the quality of this series offering up both the drama and action we’ve come to expect from a master storyteller now at the height of his craft. Oh, if only more writers weren’t afraid of growing old.

* * *

What does A.I. think of me?

My buddy Rob Burnett asked ChatGPT to roast me, and this is what he got:

Max Allan Collins? Oh, you mean the guy who spends his days trying to convince people he wrote Road to Perdition before the movie made it cool? The man has more tie-in novels under his belt than original ideas. If there’s a movie, TV show, or video game with a plot, chances are he’s already turned it into a book before you even realized it existed.

Don’t get me wrong, the guy knows his way around a crime story, but let’s be honest – his bibliography reads like the novelization section at a Blockbuster in 1999. He’s basically the literary version of that friend who just retells movie plots but insists they’re adding depth.

And let’s talk about Road to Perdition. Everyone remembers the film – you know, Tom Hanks, Paul Newman, Sam Mendes’ stunning cinematography? But Collins? He’s like that one guy in the back of a concert yelling, “I wrote the original song, man!” while everyone’s there for the band that made it famous.

Look, he’s a workhorse, I’ll give him that, but maybe if he spent a little less time cashing in on other people’s intellectual properties, he’d be known as more than “that dude who did all the licensed tie-ins.”

That chatGPT request was for a roast of me as author of Road to Perdition. This one left Road to Perdition out of the search request.

Alright, let’s talk about Max Allan Collins – the guy who never met a tie-in novel he didn’t like. This man has churned out more franchise cash grabs than Hollywood itself, and somehow, he still wants us to believe he’s a “hard-boiled” crime writer. Yeah, sure, buddy – nothing screams noir like novelizing CSI episodes.

Collins has spent his career clinging to Mickey Spillane’s coattails so hard that he’s practically a ghostwriter for a ghost. The guy inherited unfinished Mike Hammer manuscripts like some kind of pulp fiction trust fund baby and has been playing Weekend at Bernie’s with Spillane’s legacy ever since. And let’s not forget Road to Perdition — a graphic novel that somehow got a brilliant film adaptation that made people think he’s on the same level as classic crime writers. Spoiler: He’s not.

Is he prolific? Absolutely. But so is a fax machine. If crime fiction had a direct-to-video section, Collins would be its king.

Next Rob asked ChatGPT to praise me. Here’s what he got:

Max Allan Collins is one of the most prolific and versatile crime writers of his generation, seamlessly blending historical research, sharp storytelling, and a deep love for the noir tradition. His Road to Perdition graphic novel became an Oscar-winning film, proving his talent for crafting compelling narratives with rich emotional depth.

Collins’ dedication to the hard-boiled genre extends beyond his own work – he’s kept the legacy of Mickey Spillane alive by completing unfinished Mike Hammer manuscripts with remarkable authenticity. His Nathan Heller series is a masterclass in historical crime fiction, blending real-life mysteries with gripping detective work.

Beyond novels, Collins has left his mark across multiple mediums – comics, television tie-ins, and even film – demonstrating a storytelling range few can match. Whether he’s penning a hard-hitting detective tale or a media tie-in, he brings professionalism and an unmistakable voice to everything he touches.

Next Rob, at my request, asked about “Barbara Allan.”

Here’s the roast:

Barbara Allan – aka the dynamic duo of Barbara and Max Allan Collins – has mastered the fine art of writing cozy mysteries that are as outrageous as a yard sale gone horribly wrong. The Trash ‘n’ Treasures series? More like Clutter ‘n’ Chaos! The books are packed with enough quirky characters, eccentric antiques, and over-the-top antics to make even the most dedicated cozy mystery reader question their life choices.

The mother-daughter sleuthing team, Brandy and Vivian, are basically the literary equivalent of Lucy and Ethel if they were trapped in an endless loop of small-town mayhem and garage-sale drama. Vivian, in particular, is a force of nature – a character so hilariously unhinged that she could probably solve crimes just by talking the suspects into confessing out of sheer exhaustion.

And let’s not forget the narrative style – breaking the fourth wall, footnotes, and asides that sometimes make you feel like you’ve stumbled into a mystery novel with an identity crisis. Is it a whodunit? A stand-up comedy routine? A fever dream about hoarding? Who knows!

But despite all the chaos, you have to give Barbara Allan credit – somehow, these books keep readers coming back for more. Maybe it’s the humor, maybe it’s the charm, or maybe it’s just the literary equivalent of watching a reality show where you can’t look away. Either way, the Trash ‘n’ Treasures series is a wild ride, whether you love it or love to roll your eyes at it.

That’s the roast, but Barb and I both pretty much agree with it and find it oddly complimentary. I guess it goes to show there’s less negative stuff about Barbara Allan out there on the Internet for chatGPT to draw upon.

Here’s the Barbara Allan praise from chatGPT:

Barbara Allan is a talented and acclaimed author, best known for her delightful and witty “Trash ‘n’ Treasures” mystery series. The writing duo behind the pseudonym – Barbara and Max Allan Collins – crafts engaging, humorous, and cleverly plotted cozy mysteries that keep readers entertained while delivering sharp social observations. Their knack for blending humor, crime, and quirky characters makes their work a standout in the genre.

Allan’s ability to create compelling narratives with charmingly eccentric protagonists, particularly Brandy Borne and her mother, Vivian, showcases a keen sense of humor and an impressive storytelling skill. The lighthearted yet intriguing mysteries, often infused with a touch of satire, offer a refreshing take on the cozy mystery genre. Fans appreciate the dynamic character relationships, lively dialogue, and the seamless way the authors weave suspense with humor.

Barbara Allan’s contributions to the mystery genre continue to be celebrated by devoted readers who eagerly anticipate each new installment. Whether you’re a longtime fan or a newcomer, her books are sure to entertain and delight!

Besides giving Barb and me (and Rob) a giddy good laugh over all of this, what to make of it? To me it shows that AI can give you anything but something of actual substance, coming from a real-life human being with human experiences to draw upon. It also hints at the nature of reviews and criticism – that the same work can engender wildly different takes (although Barbara Allan seems pretty popular with everybody!).

I am of the opinion that AI will never be able to truly approximate someone’s writing (say, ask chatGPT to write a Mike Hammer novel by Mickey Spillane) when it’s (no matter how sophisticated) a soulless summary of things actual humans have thought and felt. This is related to “garbage in, garbage out,” but AI won’t draw upon garbage, or even churn garbage out. It can cobble something together from the works of a writer based only on existing work, not new work informed by human experience.

Not only are the words borrowed, so are the attitudes that shaped those words. Nor is it likely (to my way of thinking anyway) that AI will ever be able to write a “new” Max Allan Collins book (for example) because it will not be able to deal with the growth and shifts and, yes, decline of a creative person.

Or, as chatGPT had to say on this subject:

AI can be an excellent tool for assisting writers, offering suggestions, or even generating basic plot ideas, but it lacks the deeper emotional, cultural, and philosophical grounding that human creativity provides.

Fiction writing isn’t just about stringing words together – it’s about creating meaning, evoking emotions, and offering unique perspectives, all of which are rooted in the lived experience of being human. AI can simulate creativity, but it can’t be creative in the same way a human can.

Finally, I asked chatGPT to create an approximately 1000-word example of my fiction writing. Here it is:

I leaned back in my chair, the smoke from my cigarette curling up toward the ceiling. The office was dim, the only light coming from the streetlamp outside casting long shadows across the room. It was the kind of night that made you question your choices, the kind of night that made you wonder if the world was as clean as it seemed.

The door creaked open, and she stepped in – a dame with legs that went on forever and a look that could melt steel. She had that air about her, the kind that said she was trouble, but the kind you couldn’t resist.

“Mr. Heller?” she asked, her voice a melody that didn’t quite match the storm in her eyes.

“That’s me,” I said, motioning to the chair across from my desk. “Have a seat.”

She hesitated for a moment, then sat down, crossing her legs. I noticed the faint tremor in her hands as she placed them on her lap.

“What’s the trouble?” I asked, leaning forward.

She took a deep breath, her eyes darting around the room as if searching for something. “I need your help,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “My husband is missing.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Missing? Or just not where you want him to be?”

M.A.C.