Posts Tagged ‘Quarry’

Not Writing the Screenplay & Re-Reading the Proofs

Tuesday, April 15th, 2025

All ten episodes of True Noir: The Assassination of Mayor Cermak should be available by a week from now (if not sooner) in various formats, including 5.1 stereo.

True Noir Episode 10 Banner

Director Robert Meyer Burnett has done a masterful job directing an incredible cast; he was also the editor and supervised the elaborate mix of sound effects and music.

A Blu-ray of the production will follow, including all ten episodes of my “History Behind the Mystery,” in which I talk about the real history behind each episode and a lot more. There’s also a lengthy interview Rob did with me before the production began (I had literally finished the Blue Christmas shoot the night before!). It will include a version of the entire production assembled into one “listen.”

This is no standard audio production. The budget was half a million dollars. If you support it, a second one will go into production and we’ll be on our way to a Nate Heller movie and possibly TV series. With the talented group that has come together for this unique production, great things are in the offing.

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I’m going to discuss something that requires me to be a little circumspect – not generally my best quality. It has to do with a movie script (not written by me) for a production relating to one of my properties.

Despite the fact that I have written and directed seven features, written three more produced features (I’m in the WGA), and scripted an episode of the Quarry TV series on Cinemax, a show based on my own book series), I have rarely been invited to a have a crack at the script by the Hollywood folks who have optioned/bought my material. The reasons for this are many and varied. For one thing, most of my self-produced movies have been indies, some with micro-budgets.

Real Time: Siege at Lucas Street Market, Eliot Ness: an Untouchable Life and Blue Christmas were each at around a $10,000 budget with a lot of professional talent volunteering their participation in let’s-put-on-a-show fashion. In a world where twenty million is considered a low-budget, this makes the reluctance to use me on the screenplay at least understandable. My suggestion, for example, that I’d like to have a pass at Road to Perdition myself was met with shocked (and perhaps amused) surprise. That was the most naive thing the producers had ever heard.

Though few filmgoers even know the name of a screenwriter, much less have a favorite one, a big-time feature is essentially required to have a screenwriter who’s already had at least one major production made. (How those writers got their first assignment is a mystery none of my detective characters could solve.) This comes in part from the need to have a list of talent in all major slots (including screenwriter) that look good in a package. Money has to be raised. Studio execs need convincing. I get that. What I don’t get is why “We can get the person who created Road to Perdition to write the movie version” was such a laughable proposition.

It’s true that a good novelist, even somebody who’s written a critically acclaimed bestseller, isn’t necessarily an accomplished screenwriter. In fact some novelists downright stink at scripting. This largely comes from the two different skill sets of a novelist and screenwriter. Novelists write the interior of a story and screenwriters the exterior. So it’s not entirely a mystery why a producer might avoid using the source creator to write the script.

In my case, however, I have a track record of screenwriting that includes primetime movies on HBO and Lifetime, and a Cinemax series. My little regional movies have all won awards and their share of good reviews (and some bad ones – that comes with it).

This is not to say, “Boo hoo.” You can’t have a fifty-plus year writing career and come away thinking life is fair, even if you’re Stephen King. I often say to Barb, when I’ve written a book or had one optioned for the movies or television, “Well, I’ve got another ticket in the lottery.” Luck does seem to play as major a role as hard work and talent. I get that.

Why is this on my mind?

Well, I recently sat down with a script based on one of my properties, a script written by a guy who probably got half a million bucks at least to do so (my option was barely five figures). And I’m told the producers really like the script. As a courtesy more than anything, I was shown the script and encouraged to offer my notes.

The script had merit. But it also had a lot wrong with it. It did all kinds of things that even a smalltime screenwriter like me would know are wrong. Beginner shit. For example, using two lines of dialogue when one carries it. For example, following the action climax with fifteen minutes of tying up loose ends in dialogue. That kind of thing. What strikes me as remedial stuff.

After nineteen pages of handwritten notes, I typed them up as thirteen double-spaced pages. And then I had to sit and think about it. As a practical matter, since I make a big payday if the movie gets made, I should not bother. Let Hollywood be Hollywood. In a very real way, the last person they want to hear from is the source writer. I am trying to help, trying to make sure my property has been turned into a script that is not only relatively faithful to my work, but has a shot at pleasing audiences and being a success. But the result of my well-intended criticism might be (a) that I am viewed as just a troublemaker, or (b) (and this is worse) that the producers will realize the script needs work and the project slides into Development Hell.

Understand something: I could fix this script in a day. Maybe an afternoon. But I have as much chance of being granted that opportunity as I would to become the lead actor in the picture. And the smart thing to do would be not to send in my notes, but just say to them, “Wow, what a terrific script.”

This kind of frustration, this kind of reality, has accompanied me throughout my long career…and probably through most of the careers of the vast majority of your favorite fiction writers. It is why, despite a love for movies and moviemaking at least equal to my love for reading and writing books, I did not go West, Young Man (well I was young once). I chose books over movies because I could get a book written and published, and getting a movie made is really, really tough. Tough to get producers to give you a shot, tough to get a story told the way you want it. Tough not to get your heart broken.

After my run writing the Dick Tracy comic strip came to an end after fifteen fortunate years, I allowed myself to get pulled into indie moviemaking. And I loved it. About a dozen years of my career were devoted to that, and after a twenty-plus year break, I’ve returned to it in my waning days just to have the experience again – to bask in the collaborative nature of filmmaking. As a writer, I’ve often sought out collaborators – great people like Terry Beatty, Matthew Clemens, Dave Thomas and of course Barbara Collins – because synergy only happens when more than one factor comes into play. Fiction writing is a lonely trade whereas movie-making is lively affair, in my fortunate case always involving some pretty wonderful artisans.

I have no regrets being mostly a writer of books, short stories and comics. And no regrets, either, despite some bumps, about writing and sometimes directing movies in the world of indies.

But when I read something based on my work that I was not chosen to adapt myself, something that seems sub-par, I am nonetheless frustrated.

* * *

Recently I did a slight revision on my afterword to the forthcoming Return of the Maltese Falcon. Where normally an advance look at the first chapter might have been used as a promotional teaser, something had to substitute, because the public-domain nature of the original novel won’t kick in until my sequel is published next year. So advance promo couldn’t use any of my novel itself – we’d be in violation of the original copyright.

My editor at Hard Case Crime, Charles Ardai, is something of a wonder. Normally when you turn a manuscript in, it takes an editor months or at least weeks to get you the line-edited manuscript to go over. Charles gets back to you the next day, or if he takes two or three days, he apologizes for the delay. Then he has the book typeset in another day (he does this himself) and provides galley proofs, and to say this is unusual is an understatement.

It’s very cool to have the process go this quickly. Writers like the feeling when a book has “gone to bed.”

But when I worked on transforming the afterword of the Falcon novel into a promotional piece, I found a few tweaks I wanted to make. I did so, then asked Charles if I could read the galley proofs of the entire novel again. I had made corrections previously, so this seemed an exercise in fussiness. But I really want this novel to represent me at the top of my game. And following in the footsteps of a genius writer as precise as Dashiell Hammett is a sort of suicide note.

Charles allowed me to go through the book again, and I went into the process figuring I’d find a few pages – one or two or three – spotting a typo here, an ungainly repetition of words there, or just sentences that could use a minor tweak.

I had thirty pages of pages with corrections by the end of the process.

What did I learn? I didn’t exactly learn anything I didn’t already know, but it confirmed my belief that a writer needs to do the galley proofs several months at least after turning the book in. You need distance, and a quick turnaround doesn’t give you that.

Routinely, in going over galley proofs, I run into an instance or two where I have no idea what I was trying to say, no idea what I meant with something or other. When I was caught up in the state of writing, those things were crystal clear to me. A few months later, whaaaa???

So my new policy with Hard Case Crime is to do the galley proofs as quickly as my editor would like…and if time allows, have another hard look at them.

M.A.C.

A Quarry Discussion Plus a Book Giveaway!

Tuesday, April 1st, 2025

It’s book giveaway time, with the new trade paperback edition from Hard Case Crime of The Last Quarry on offer to the first ten of you who ask for it.

As usual, if you’re interested, you write me directly at macphilms@hotmail.com. If you receive a copy, you agree to write a review at Amazon and/or Barnes & Noble, and/or your own (or someone else’s) blog. If you hate the book, you’re relieved of this obligation. Mixed reviews are fine, and only mildly resented. USA only, due to postal restrictions. Be sure to include your snail-mail address.

This trade paperback includes two of the four Quarry short stories as in-the-back-of-the-book bonuses: “Guest Services” and “Quarry’s Luck.” The other two short stories, “A Matter of Principal” and the fourth (the name of which escapes me – it appeared in The Strand) [“Quarry’s Gamble”, The Strand #52 — Nate] were swallowed up in the novels for use in The Last Quarry and Quarry’s Climax respectively.

The cover of this new book is particularly handsome. It’s by the great Robert McGinnis, one of the premiere paperback cover artists of the golden age of noir paperback originals and the guy who did some of the most iconic James Bond movie posters. I’ve told the story frequently, but I’ll go into it briefly here for you newer comers.

When Charles Ardai started up Hard Case Crime, I was one of the authors he approached (most of the others were dead, so it was their estates Charles approached). He did a reprint (in one volume) of the first two Nolan novels (Bait Money and Blood Money) called Two for the Money. He came back for more reprints and I said I’d rather do an original, even if it was just for reprint-level money. I believe he at first wanted a new Nolan, but I preferred doing a Quarry, the character having always been one of my favorites, and the series one I thought should have lasted and received more recognition.

The final negotiating point between Charles and me was my saying essentially, “I’ll do the novel if you get me a McGinnis cover.” And I’ll be damned if he didn’t.

At this point I’d written one more Quarry novel (Primary Target, aka Quarry’s Vote) in the wake of the initial Nate Heller success, and a nifty little Quarry short film that was burning up the festival circuit. I used that film in an anthology of my other short films as well as the Spillane documentary; this was called Shades of Noir, and the original paperback of The Last Quarry was sort of the movie tie-in to that boxed set of DVD’s.

Quarry was inspired by three things – well, two people and one thing. The thing was the Parker series by Richard Stark (Donald E. Westlake) that I loved then and love now; and Nolan was my direct take on Parker, humanizing him with a young sidekick. But I always thought there was a cop-out nature to that series, and my own – Parker was a thief and when he was forced to kill somebody, that somebody was another bad guy. Same was pretty much true of Nolan. It occurred to me nobody had really done this kind of novel – a “crook book” where the heroic protagonist (okay, anti-heroic) was a hitman. I wanted the reader to have to deal with the point of view character being, unapologetically, a hired killer.

I did not have a series in mind but did leave the door open for a follow-up novel or two. (Nolan had not been conceived as a series either, and even died in the original draft of Bait Money.)

The two people impacting the creation of Quarry were Audie Murphy, the most decorated soldier in the European Theater in World War Two, and later a movie star, mostly in westerns. I’d read enough about him to know he had been traumatized – had PTSD, though nobody was calling it that yet – which I found interesting. A normal kid who became a cold-blooded killer (of the enemy, but that counts).

The other inspiration was Jon McRae, a high school pal of mine who went on to several very bloody tours in Vietnam. Unlike some friends of mine, he came home recognizably his eccentric self, but he was nonetheless clearly traumatized by what were then still ongoing experiences. To give you the idea, he was the machine gunner in the tail of a rescue ‘copter.

Stir my Mickey Spillane obsession into the mix, and my admiration for “Richard Stark,” and you have Quarry. I was approached by Berkley Books to do three more novels about him and snapped up the chance. The subsequent three novels were increasingly violent and black humor-tinged. I was, frankly, worried about the direction they were taking – not the four books I’d done, but what the fifth book might be, and any future ones. I feared I’d gone down a road of having to top myself with some terrible thing Quarry did toward the end of a given novel – the basic idea having been to lure the reader into accepting Quarry as a narrator and even identifying with him, then getting slammed with something awful he does, and making readers question their own ease in going along with Quarry, to accept him as a “hero.”

That became no problem when Berkley Books asked for no further Quarry entries.

Over the years, however, I had more mail about Quarry than any other character of mine (pre-Heller). That, and my feeling that Quarry was an original creation, served poorly by the original publisher, made the series an itch that called out for scratching.

So when Charles gave me the opportunity to write The Last Quarry, an opportunity to answer whatever-happened-to-Quarry and wrap up the series, I grabbed it. When the book became a surprise success, both in terms of sales and reviews, this old war horse didn’t have to hear the bell ring twice. I was off and running with The First Quarry and my series of novels about the missing years in the character’s life between already written books.

Series have a way of knowing when they are either over or evolving, and Quarry is no exception. Almost from the start, the concept of Quarry evolved into him using the list of his dead Broker (murdered by Quarry) to approach targeted victims and taking out assassins…a kind of prolonged metaphorical self-suicide…which eclipsed the hitman aspect. Some of the flashback books depict Quarry in his hitman years, but the initial novel (The Broker aka Quarry) is essentially his last job before his transition to the “list” approach.

Killing Quarry emerged from somewhere in my subconscious to conclude the “list” cycle. The next book, Quarry’s Blood, in part returned to hitman days and then mostly was about Quarry at a much older age – essentially mine, maybe a couple of years younger – and I found that interesting enough to pick that up again in the more recent Quarry’s Return.

Now I will soon be embarking on Quarry’s Reunion, which will almost certainly be another of the Quarry-in-old-age novels. I had promised a while back that any further novels would revert to the “list” days, most likely; but if you’re expecting consistency from me, it’s only to be found in my ability to write readable books.

I realize much of what I’ve just shared is already known to some of you – maybe many of you – but it seemed like returning to the evolution of this series was appropriate with a Last Quarry book giveaway.

Here’s another story you may have already heard from me. I was so thrilled with McGinnis cover to The Last Quarry that I coaxed the artist’s phone number out of Hard Case Crime editor Charles Ardai. I called Bob McGinnis and told him what a career high it was for me to have a cover by him on a novel of mine. I was undoubtedly effusive and he took my fannish enthusiasm with grace. Then he asked me if I’d like the original art of the cover. That threw me, because I was next expecting him to offer it to me at a price I could not afford.

But I could afford it, all right. All he wanted was my address to send me the art.

It hangs near my desk now, an incredible reminder of how lucky I’ve been to have this career of mine, getting everything I ever wanted out of it (except getting rich). I have four other original covers from Quarry novels on my walls, by various artists, and all of those I did find a way to buy. One I particularly like, The Wrong Quarry painted by Tyler Jacobson, hangs near my desk, as well. Not all the covers (and I like them all) for Quarry novels have depicted him. But the ones that do that also match the image in my mind’s eye are the McGinnis and Jacobson ones.

When I’m asked who my favorite is among the heroes (and heroines) of my various book and comics series, it always comes down to Quarry and Nate Heller. Don’t ask me to choose between them, because they are both me.

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Here is a particularly good YouTube video about the film version of Road to Perdition, provided to me by Terry Beatty himself.

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Here is info and pre-ordering for Law and Order, the 1932 Wyatt Earp movie starring Walter Huston and Harry Carey derived from the hard-to-find 1930 W.R. Burnett novel. This has the commentary by me and the great Heath Holland of Cereal at Midnight, a recording I mentioned last week that I was about to do.

It’s a terrific movie. Don’t miss it.

* * *

I also teased last week about working on a screenplay. I can’t (or anyway won’t) give any details, but I’ve just completed my first Nathan Heller feature film screenplay, which will tie in with True Noir, the ten-episode audio adaptation of True Detective written by me and directed by Robert Meyer Burnett. The producers include Mike Bawden, Phil Dingeldein and Christine Sheaks.

This screenplay is not an adaptation of True Detective, however – it’s from another published work in the series. It’s a speculative effort but one that I think has a good shot at paying off. The only previous Heller screenplay I wrote was the pilot episode for FX of a Stolen Away mini-series that never happened (I did, however, get paid).

Speaking of True Noir, the last two episodes will be dropping soon. Then you can order it all at once. The almost five-hour production, starring Michael Rosenbaum as Nate Heller, will eventually be available on Blu-ray. A Blu-ray of an audio? Yes! This production with its incredible cast (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt32507868/) will be on a disc that will also have all ten episodes of my History Behind the Mystery series (one per episode of the audio production) and a lengthy interview with me by Rob Burnett. A book of my ten scripts will also be available around the same time.

If this audio production is successful, our next productions of True Noir movies-for-the-mind will be the other two books in the Frank Nitti Trilogy, True Crime and The Million-Dollar Wound.

You can help make that happen, if you haven’t already, by going to truenoir.co and buying the entire ten-episode series for a modest $29.95.

Eventually there will be a soundtrack CD available of the excellent Alexander Bornstein score.

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You may have already seen this nice little article about Ms. Tree, but it’s worth another look, anyway, particularly in the wake of the recent publication of the sixth and final volume of the archival series from Titan, Ms. Tree: Fallen Tree.

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The Quarry movie, The Last Lullaby, is available on YouTube now. Tom Sizemore is “Price” (aka Quarry). I wrote the first drafts of the script and did a final punch-up, but another writer wrote a draft, too…so it’s not pure Quarry, but it’s pretty good.

M.A.C.

Quarry! Spillane! John Sand! True Noir!

Tuesday, February 18th, 2025

It’s been some time since we did a book giveaway, so let’s make up for that lost time with the new trade paperback edition of The Last Quarry.

Back in the early days of Hard Case Crime, their books were published in the old-fashioned mass-market paperback form. When HCC moved to Titan as their home publisher, the format was changed to a somewhat larger trade edition. The Last Quarry was intended to conclude a series that was pretty much defunct after its four mid-‘70s books at Berkley and one book at Foul Play Press.

As I’ve reported here before, The Last Quarry was an unexpected success (I am always surprised when something of mine moves from cult favorite to actual success). This initiated a still in-progress revival of the series including an award-winning short film (“A Matter of Principal”), a feature I co-wrote (The Last Lullaby, from The Last Quarry), and a one-season Cinemax TV series, as well as many more series entries plus a graphic novel.

This has now led to new trade-size editions of The First Quarry (September 2025), Quarry in the Middle (pub date as yet unannounced), and The Last Quarry (April 2025). The latter book will include two short stories, “Guest Services” and “Quarry’s Luck” (previously collected in Quarry’s Greatest Hits, the only Quarry volume not reprinted by HCC). This new edition of The Last Quarry also has an essay by me charting the development of Quarry, including his unexpected revival. And what a Robert McGinnis cover it has!

And what of the giveaway? The deal is this: you agree to write an Amazon and or Barnes & Noble review in exchange for the receipt of a copy; you are released from this obligation if you don’t like the book. You have to wait till the pub date to do an Amazon review (Barnes & Noble reviews are also fine). Ten copies are available. USA only.

[All copies have been claimed. Thank you for your support! –Nate]

These do go fast.

Now, there are all kinds of flavors of Amazon-type reviews. Some are a sentence or two or three, and some are actual mini-essays. If you do something on The Last Quarry of the latter nature, you can send it to me (and Amazon!) and I’ll share it here.

I am hopeful we’ll have another book giveaway here very soon, if I can lay hands on some extra advance copies of the final Mike Hammer novel, Baby, It’s Murder, which comes out March 4, the day after my 77th birthday.

Is it really the last Mike Hammer novel? Truthfully, I have a couple of brief openings by Mickey that may become short stories, or even novels, if the much-promised Mike Hammer movie happens. I would also probably go after the movie novelization of that, again…if it happens. I also have a Mike Danger novel that Mickey did a complete draft of, which I hope to revise into a Hammer one. Due to the science fiction nature of the Danger novel, it was not included in the batch of titles from Titan that complete the official canon.

I also have a science-fiction/horror-tinged complete screenplay Mickey did, which I could turn into a novel, and would frankly like to do so. Unfortunately, the horror novel The Menace (from another unproduced Spillane screenplay) that I wrote for Wolfpack hasn’t earned enough sales to command a follow-up.

Speaking of Wolfpack, all three of the John Sand novels that Matt Clemens and I wrote, including our short story collection Murderlized (which includes a John Sand short story), are on sale as an e-book collection of all four books for a mere 99-cents.

I feel the John Sand novels are among my least known and least read books, and hope any of you who have been on the fence about them take advantage of this incredible price. For the uninitiated, John Sand (in the world of these novels, set in the ‘60s) is the real-life spy who Ian Fleming based James Bond upon. I think this represents some of the best Collins/Clemens collaborations. Matt, of course, was the co-author of all my CSI novels.

Buy the John Sand collection on e-book right here.

And while we’re at it, here is a link to the three Spillane titles I did for Wolfpack. These are Mickey’s final YA novel (edited and introduced by me), The Shrinking Island; Stand Up and Die (a Collins-edited collection of Spillane novellas, including a Mike Hammer I co-wrote); and the aforementioned The Menace, co-written by me from an unproduced Spillane screenplay.


Paperback:
E-Book:

E-Book: Amazon Purchase Link
* * *

Listen (and that’s the operative word here), I could not be prouder of True Noir: The Assassination of Anton Cermak, my ten-episode immersive-audio adaptation of the first Nate Heller novel, True Detective. Director Robert Meyer Burnett has done an incredible job with an incredible cast. Michael Rosenbaum makes an ideal Nate Heller. The seventh episode has either just dropped or is about to.

With my longtime crony Phil Dingeldein behind the camera, we have been doing a series of video commentaries about each episode.

Please don’t watch these till you’ve signed on for the audio series at truenoir.co. If you’ve read True Detective you can probably understand what I’m talking about. But you should really listen to each episode of True Noir, then check in with the appropriate one of these after each one. Nonetheless, here are episodes three, four, and five.

Chapter Three:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncwysQ3kIDY

Chapter Four:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKvSPEOd4J0

Chapter Five:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plz_PAPPqac

M.A.C.

Video Interviews and Ruminations of AI Replacing Me

Tuesday, February 11th, 2025

Blue Christmas will be available on Tubi (free, but probably with commercials) starting March 10. I realize it’s not the Christmas season right now, but March is my birthday month, so help celebrate by watching our little mostly-well-reviewed “chamber piece” on Tubi.

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This week is a hodgepodge of videos, starting with (in my biased opinion) a particularly good interview by Andrew Sumner of Titan Books with yrs truly, talking about the forthcoming final Mike Hammer novel (Baby, It’s Murder), the new Ms. Tree archival edition (the final of six), my Sam Spade sequel The Return of the Maltese Falcon (due out Jan. 2026), and much more.

Here is the great Michael Rosenbaum (Nathan Heller in True Noir) seeing the promo poster of our immersive ten-part adapation of True Detective for the first time.

For the heartiest souls among you – or those desperate to fill the empty hours – here is my three-hour-plus (!) appearance on Rob Burnett’s (and Dieter Bastion’s) Let’s Get Physical Media. I am prettier (marginally) in real life.

* * *

Here, from stalwart reviewer (and fiction writer) Ron Fortier is a review of the latest Quarry novel.

QUARRY’S RETURN
By Max Allan Collins
Hard Case Crime
213 pgs

One has to wonder at the twists and turns of fate when a writer of the baby-boomer generation (post World War II for you youngsters) is still writing about a hired gun well into his seventies. That’s Quarry, one of three series Collins whipped up a long…long…long time ago. That it is still around, never mind getting better like aged bourbon, is no small literary feat. Our best guess as to why; two things. One, Collins is such a damn good writer and two, his loyal readers know it and aren’t going anywhere.

In his last novel featuring his Quarry tale, Collins introduced his Vietnam veteran protagonist to the adult daughter he’d never known. After an awkward start, filial emotions rose to the surface when they were forced to save each other’s lives from some very bad people. In this follow up tale, Quarry learns Susan, his crime-writer daughter, has disappeared while doing research on a serial killer. This he learns from an old lover-colleague, a beautiful Japanese gal named Lu; his equal in death-dealing. The two of them make Bonnie and Clyde look like Hansel and Gretel.

It becomes obvious that Susan has run afoul of the very fiend behind the so-called Cheerleader Murders she is investigating. Unless Quarry and Lu can find her quickly, Susan will become the killer’s fourth victim. Collins weaves a fast-paced tale as his wonderfully mature couple question and shoot their way through a twisted puzzle, each well aware that the stamina and zeal of their youth exist only in melancholy backward glances.

Quarry’s Return continues the quality of this series offering up both the drama and action we’ve come to expect from a master storyteller now at the height of his craft. Oh, if only more writers weren’t afraid of growing old.

* * *

What does A.I. think of me?

My buddy Rob Burnett asked ChatGPT to roast me, and this is what he got:

Max Allan Collins? Oh, you mean the guy who spends his days trying to convince people he wrote Road to Perdition before the movie made it cool? The man has more tie-in novels under his belt than original ideas. If there’s a movie, TV show, or video game with a plot, chances are he’s already turned it into a book before you even realized it existed.

Don’t get me wrong, the guy knows his way around a crime story, but let’s be honest – his bibliography reads like the novelization section at a Blockbuster in 1999. He’s basically the literary version of that friend who just retells movie plots but insists they’re adding depth.

And let’s talk about Road to Perdition. Everyone remembers the film – you know, Tom Hanks, Paul Newman, Sam Mendes’ stunning cinematography? But Collins? He’s like that one guy in the back of a concert yelling, “I wrote the original song, man!” while everyone’s there for the band that made it famous.

Look, he’s a workhorse, I’ll give him that, but maybe if he spent a little less time cashing in on other people’s intellectual properties, he’d be known as more than “that dude who did all the licensed tie-ins.”

That chatGPT request was for a roast of me as author of Road to Perdition. This one left Road to Perdition out of the search request.

Alright, let’s talk about Max Allan Collins – the guy who never met a tie-in novel he didn’t like. This man has churned out more franchise cash grabs than Hollywood itself, and somehow, he still wants us to believe he’s a “hard-boiled” crime writer. Yeah, sure, buddy – nothing screams noir like novelizing CSI episodes.

Collins has spent his career clinging to Mickey Spillane’s coattails so hard that he’s practically a ghostwriter for a ghost. The guy inherited unfinished Mike Hammer manuscripts like some kind of pulp fiction trust fund baby and has been playing Weekend at Bernie’s with Spillane’s legacy ever since. And let’s not forget Road to Perdition — a graphic novel that somehow got a brilliant film adaptation that made people think he’s on the same level as classic crime writers. Spoiler: He’s not.

Is he prolific? Absolutely. But so is a fax machine. If crime fiction had a direct-to-video section, Collins would be its king.

Next Rob asked ChatGPT to praise me. Here’s what he got:

Max Allan Collins is one of the most prolific and versatile crime writers of his generation, seamlessly blending historical research, sharp storytelling, and a deep love for the noir tradition. His Road to Perdition graphic novel became an Oscar-winning film, proving his talent for crafting compelling narratives with rich emotional depth.

Collins’ dedication to the hard-boiled genre extends beyond his own work – he’s kept the legacy of Mickey Spillane alive by completing unfinished Mike Hammer manuscripts with remarkable authenticity. His Nathan Heller series is a masterclass in historical crime fiction, blending real-life mysteries with gripping detective work.

Beyond novels, Collins has left his mark across multiple mediums – comics, television tie-ins, and even film – demonstrating a storytelling range few can match. Whether he’s penning a hard-hitting detective tale or a media tie-in, he brings professionalism and an unmistakable voice to everything he touches.

Next Rob, at my request, asked about “Barbara Allan.”

Here’s the roast:

Barbara Allan – aka the dynamic duo of Barbara and Max Allan Collins – has mastered the fine art of writing cozy mysteries that are as outrageous as a yard sale gone horribly wrong. The Trash ‘n’ Treasures series? More like Clutter ‘n’ Chaos! The books are packed with enough quirky characters, eccentric antiques, and over-the-top antics to make even the most dedicated cozy mystery reader question their life choices.

The mother-daughter sleuthing team, Brandy and Vivian, are basically the literary equivalent of Lucy and Ethel if they were trapped in an endless loop of small-town mayhem and garage-sale drama. Vivian, in particular, is a force of nature – a character so hilariously unhinged that she could probably solve crimes just by talking the suspects into confessing out of sheer exhaustion.

And let’s not forget the narrative style – breaking the fourth wall, footnotes, and asides that sometimes make you feel like you’ve stumbled into a mystery novel with an identity crisis. Is it a whodunit? A stand-up comedy routine? A fever dream about hoarding? Who knows!

But despite all the chaos, you have to give Barbara Allan credit – somehow, these books keep readers coming back for more. Maybe it’s the humor, maybe it’s the charm, or maybe it’s just the literary equivalent of watching a reality show where you can’t look away. Either way, the Trash ‘n’ Treasures series is a wild ride, whether you love it or love to roll your eyes at it.

That’s the roast, but Barb and I both pretty much agree with it and find it oddly complimentary. I guess it goes to show there’s less negative stuff about Barbara Allan out there on the Internet for chatGPT to draw upon.

Here’s the Barbara Allan praise from chatGPT:

Barbara Allan is a talented and acclaimed author, best known for her delightful and witty “Trash ‘n’ Treasures” mystery series. The writing duo behind the pseudonym – Barbara and Max Allan Collins – crafts engaging, humorous, and cleverly plotted cozy mysteries that keep readers entertained while delivering sharp social observations. Their knack for blending humor, crime, and quirky characters makes their work a standout in the genre.

Allan’s ability to create compelling narratives with charmingly eccentric protagonists, particularly Brandy Borne and her mother, Vivian, showcases a keen sense of humor and an impressive storytelling skill. The lighthearted yet intriguing mysteries, often infused with a touch of satire, offer a refreshing take on the cozy mystery genre. Fans appreciate the dynamic character relationships, lively dialogue, and the seamless way the authors weave suspense with humor.

Barbara Allan’s contributions to the mystery genre continue to be celebrated by devoted readers who eagerly anticipate each new installment. Whether you’re a longtime fan or a newcomer, her books are sure to entertain and delight!

Besides giving Barb and me (and Rob) a giddy good laugh over all of this, what to make of it? To me it shows that AI can give you anything but something of actual substance, coming from a real-life human being with human experiences to draw upon. It also hints at the nature of reviews and criticism – that the same work can engender wildly different takes (although Barbara Allan seems pretty popular with everybody!).

I am of the opinion that AI will never be able to truly approximate someone’s writing (say, ask chatGPT to write a Mike Hammer novel by Mickey Spillane) when it’s (no matter how sophisticated) a soulless summary of things actual humans have thought and felt. This is related to “garbage in, garbage out,” but AI won’t draw upon garbage, or even churn garbage out. It can cobble something together from the works of a writer based only on existing work, not new work informed by human experience.

Not only are the words borrowed, so are the attitudes that shaped those words. Nor is it likely (to my way of thinking anyway) that AI will ever be able to write a “new” Max Allan Collins book (for example) because it will not be able to deal with the growth and shifts and, yes, decline of a creative person.

Or, as chatGPT had to say on this subject:

AI can be an excellent tool for assisting writers, offering suggestions, or even generating basic plot ideas, but it lacks the deeper emotional, cultural, and philosophical grounding that human creativity provides.

Fiction writing isn’t just about stringing words together – it’s about creating meaning, evoking emotions, and offering unique perspectives, all of which are rooted in the lived experience of being human. AI can simulate creativity, but it can’t be creative in the same way a human can.

Finally, I asked chatGPT to create an approximately 1000-word example of my fiction writing. Here it is:

I leaned back in my chair, the smoke from my cigarette curling up toward the ceiling. The office was dim, the only light coming from the streetlamp outside casting long shadows across the room. It was the kind of night that made you question your choices, the kind of night that made you wonder if the world was as clean as it seemed.

The door creaked open, and she stepped in – a dame with legs that went on forever and a look that could melt steel. She had that air about her, the kind that said she was trouble, but the kind you couldn’t resist.

“Mr. Heller?” she asked, her voice a melody that didn’t quite match the storm in her eyes.

“That’s me,” I said, motioning to the chair across from my desk. “Have a seat.”

She hesitated for a moment, then sat down, crossing her legs. I noticed the faint tremor in her hands as she placed them on her lap.

“What’s the trouble?” I asked, leaning forward.

She took a deep breath, her eyes darting around the room as if searching for something. “I need your help,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “My husband is missing.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Missing? Or just not where you want him to be?”

M.A.C.